“How can describe my fragmentation?”
It was a rhetorical question, but luckily for this narrative form, the thought behind it is part of the discourse. Dr. Thegan was a younger woman. She couldn’t be much beyond 26 or so, I thought. Her clinical skin tone was pretty-much evenly distributed… wasn’t like she had rosy cheeks or tan lines. I wondered if maybe she visited, like, an anti-tanning salon where they sap the tan right out of her or something. I wondered how they would do that. I wondered what I would type next, about the grocery shopping, the medical bills, the projects at work, all the things I’ve wanted to do but haven’t because of the whole rat race, about politics and government, about our little blue spheroid plummeting through space and time.
“Oh yes, sorry. It happens just like that…in a flurry of confusion, guilt, peace and angst. That was a fragmented moment for me. A smaller one, if you can believe it.”
“So you would like not to have those moments?”
“I don’t know – I feel a sense of ownership and growth for having wandered so many paths in 10 seconds or less, but sometimes I am paralyzed for minutes, hours, days…years have gone by, you know? And I think if I was more focused maybe I would have more to show for it.”
“Maybe one of my businesses would be off the ground. Maybe I would be remembering what I did with my children instead of the things I didn’t get to do. Maybe my teeth would be whiter. All kinds of things like that.”
We both sat quietly. I once had a boss, whom I respected, tell me he would be scared to actually know what goes on inside my mind. I know exactly what he means. It is a blessing and a curse.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I continued,”I wouldn’t want to be one of those poor saps who sits in a recliner and drools in front of the TV for hours on end – paralyzed by lack of thought and lack of initiative. I guess I just want to have more follow through in specific areas of my life.”
“Why don’t you then?”
“OK, sounds good!”
I was being a smart ass. Fragmented and cavalier is a dangerous combination. “Sorry. I just think if it was that easy I would be doing it by now.”
“What holds you back?”
“Haha. The same thing that holds you back, Dr. Thegan… Fear.”
She was thinking about it. I knew I was right because I think fear is a basic ingredient of our fiber as a species. It’s got it’s pros and cons, but it holds us back in so many ways. I work as a computer tech because I was too scared to follow my path to be a musician or film producer. She probably ditched being a ballerina to be a therapist.
“I always thought I was going to be a ballerina.”
“I thought I was going to be a fireman.”
“So it goes.”