Why am I telling you all this? Because I thought maybe you would want to know what keeps me up til 3A, and why I have started “cutting” (it’s what all cool Emo types do, don’t you know). Her name is Cascade – Cascading Style Sheets, and I thought because she had “sheets” in her name this was going to be fun. Not Not Not! She’s a pain in the butt like so many others in this business. She’s not even “all that” – gah, she is shallow…all about style and looks and layouts. She has no substance! She is empty like MEEEEEEE (cut cut). Wahhhhhh! Watch me wallow in my self-induced coder pity…
EMO: LET THE THESIS BEGIN!
Meet the rest of the geek family, and you too can know why all coders should go Emo:
HTML: Hyper Text mark-Up Language. He’s a decent enough bloke, which is why he has one foot in the GRAVE. Takes your web page and tells the web browser how to draw it. Sounds good right! Well you CAN’T HAVE IT! Most HTML layout conventions are being dumped like cold meat in favor Miss CSS! That’s right, if you or your web page wants to get laid (out that is), you’ll be talking to the dark, empty princess. It makes me sick just thinking about it (cut).
C#: “C-Sharp” – One of the .NET (“dot-NET”) languages from Microsnot. Nobody really respects .NET software developers because a true ENGINEER (oooOOOooo) would use a real language like C++. And then there is JAVA – which is basically what Microsoft stole from to create .NET. JAVA people get more respect because JAVA is hell compared to .NET. It’s like this – you know how crack addicts get more attention than people who stay away from drugs? Yeah, like that… JAVA people are like emos – all cutting on themselves and bitching about it, so the C++ guys take pity on them because Microsoft is evil, blah blah, whine whine… and then the .NET club feels rejected and becomes blinded by angry rebellious SADNESS!! Where is my black eyeliner, I want my tears to make cool black streams down my face…who appreciates OUR PAINNNNNNNN!?
SQL: Structured Query Language. This is TRULY like crack, because once you are hooked on it, you know it sucks, you know the database doesn’t love you, but somehow you still crave more. SQL is an instant high – you send something to the database (SELECT password FROM Users WHERE username=’cinderfire’): See?? You can kinda tell what that means right?? You are getting the password for a user named cinderfire. You are a GOD!! YOU KNOW THEIR PASSWORD [1]!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. F–k. See? Then you come down…down into a relational darkness because the database knows it has you like its little strawberry!! (cry…why…why must the SQL Server be so cold to me!!??) – dammit, I need my eyeliner again.
XML: eXtensible Mark-Up Language. Who the hell knows why this ever got invented – my life was fine before some academic eff-up dreamed into my peaceful reality this… this abominable fart-child, intended for shuttling information in a human-readable format. Why? Why would I want to SLOW down a computer by having it store its information in human-readable words?? SOOOO STUPID! and it is all the rage in software now. Yah, dig this… like the you could have the computer think in… oh, I don’t know, how about NUMBERS (because that’s what binary is good at – shhhhhh!)? But no… no. Instead of letting the computer pass around a number like 27, we’ll have it pass something like “<Wine bottleID=”27”>Porky Port</Wine>” so that WE can know the computer is thinking about the bottle ID for a bottle of wine.
OK, so the computer has a drinking problem– why do I care as long as it gets its job done and doesn’t play with its floppy drive on the clock? And don’t even get me started on XSD. X-rated Style Definition is the language that helps describe how the XML should be interpreted (Yeah, nice try…Cascade isn’t letting you use XSD on her! That is incompatible!). So, thanks to XSD, we know how to deal with “<Wine>” tags, and know that they need an attribute called “bottleID” that needs to be a number. Yeah, that slows things down – MUCH! And then on top of all that, someone has to bring in the SOAP and the WSDL and all this other madness they call SOA (which is not the same as SOAP. Again, that would be EASY. I just don’t CARE anymore! My heart is filled with CSS darkness, an implosion of C# jealousy, a wicked hatred of my SQL addiction, and bitter disdain for all things XML. I hate it all (cut cut), and I’ve been crying and whining under this 1000-watt blue spot-light for so long I am a sweaty miserable rainbow of eyeliner, purple hair dye, poorly electroplated jewelry, and…SALT!!
I AM OVER IT (SLAM BATHROOM DOOR. HUDDLE IN A WHIMPERING CORNER UNDER MY OWN PERSONAL RAIN CLOUD.)
I am sure I have pissed off someone who thinks this web stuff is all an improvement. Yeah. Sooo much better. I think I would rather count my own belly-button lint. Shut-Up SQL Server!! Nobody asked you… I hate you all!! I’m just going to turn off the lights, crank up some screaming 15-year-olds who have endured such all-encompassing pain that us adults don’t even KNOW, dwell in all my anger at web geek society and its patterns for frail stupid happiness, and pitiful weak respect, and…and…CARVE my Last Will and Testament into my forearm using these dull chopsticks from the sushi restaurant next door. At least, that is where I think they are from – I wouldn’t know, because I found them in a drawer in the employee kitchen next to a small puddle that smelled like leaky ketch-up and soy sauce. Did you HEAR ME?! I am going to carve myself WITH TAINTED SOY SAUCE! Hey…SOA!! SOy sAuce! Whatever, XML! If you can be eXtensible, I can have my effing SOy sAuce. Dumbass.
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[1] – note that a proper password would be stored encrypted in the database. And no, the database, even though we might call it “relational” – still doesn’t care about you or any relationships…unless it means enforcing primary key violations…yeah SQL Servers get all sick-excited about violations, and they could care less if the data is riddled with poor little defenseless orphans! I hate SQL Server! It’s all LIES.
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